Friday, March 22, 2013
Shin pads out the Galaxy

This is a guest post by Slice of Barnes.

Courtesy retronaut.com
Well hello! Isn't this lovely?

A quick intro: I’m Slice and I like baking but I’ve always suspected I might have a gift for this technology jive. There’s less washing up for starters. This is my guest post for PR Geek.

First off, let me reassure you regular readers of this fine blog: don’t worry about a thing.  Sit back, relax and enjoy the journey we’re about to embark on. I don’t know how much you know already, so we’ll take it gently and you can scream if you want to go faster.

Let’s buckle our seatbelts, stick on some suitable music, slide into first gear… and we’re off.

I thought we’d have a look at the new Galaxy S4 phone - I’ve got a Galaxy phone (an Ace 2, I believe) so it’s a subject I feel qualified to comment on.

I find it quite swirly and swipey, whereas my previous phone (a Blackberry) was just tappy. Jon Silk may scoff at my inability to answer the iPhone, but I couldn’t answer my Galaxy for a while either. Why? Well, someone calls, there’s a red and green button on the display right? Now wouldn’t you think you’d tap the green one to answer? No. Turns out you have to swipe it. Melon- twister.

Also, when you have a new message, it can’t flash a light to let you know.  It even has what looks like a blinky thing on it but it doesn’t blink. It doesn’t do anything far as I can see.

As for typing stuff… well that’s all swirly. You swirl over the keyboard and it guesses what you want to write. Now, if you do a lot of baking, you really don’t want it replacing chocolate with cocksure. The cake club would have had a collective seizure if I hadn’t had my readers on.

According to Samsung’s Mobile Chief, Mr Shin, this new Galaxy S4 phone is meant to be, and I quote, a ‘life companion’.  It gets funnier.  Mr Shin says that this phone can help you achieve a “richer, simpler, more full life”.  Jon Silk always says you shouldn’t swear on Twitter and blogs and that. I won’t lie to you, this is testing me.

Oh hang on though. I’m reading a bit more (and I may have to strap my ribs up soon) but get this. One of the reasons this phone is going to enhance your life is that you can work it with your eyes. Well for one, they’re missing out on a huge untapped pirate market. Secondly, you’re on the tube and your eyes are going mental scanning the Evening Standard. Now what happens with a normal paper? The person behind you reads it over your shoulder. So how will this life companion deal with two pairs of mince pies?

Courtesy retronaut.com
Let’s have a run through the main features of this life changing piece of kit:

S Voice is just like that Siri jive Silk is always banging on about. It’s witchcraft and no good will come of it.

This new Galaxy lets you take a photo and put yourself in it. Now not one of my mates would buy into this. I look mildly deranged in photos so I am always the designated picture taker. This is not a good feature. The camera is a 13 megapixel one apparently and it seems this is a good thing *shrugs*.

The BBC says this about the video thing: "But on the video side, for a live chat where it's compositing you and your image to show both you and what you're seeing - that's not a gimmick." I’d agree. It’s not a gimmick. It’s dangerous. You’d be so disorientated, you could fall over.

It can translate stuff. You just point it at something, say a menu all in French and it magics it into English. Sorcery.

You can hook a few of them together into a surround sound system by synching the music. I’m having that. Unless it’s Mumford and Sons.

And finally, you get a 5in full HD super AMOLED screen and a Jelly Bean operating system. I have to admit here, I'm none the wiser.

All them bells and whistles and no mention of a blinky message thing, mind.

By the by, it appears that Samsung are the numero uno honcho when it comes to smart phones, and the likes of HTC and Nokia are gagging for a bigger slice of the action, so this caught my eye. Apparently, at Mr Shin’s spangly launch, the queuing media were treated to this:
“ Women dressed in HTC garb handed out bottles of water and cans of Pringles with labels promoting the HTC One phone”
While I like their brass neck for attempting a hijack, if I was HTC, I’d chuck a bit of money at it.  I mean, a can of Pringles? Pickled Onion Monster Munch and some Mullers Fruit Corners at the very least would be my advice. Up your game HTC.

Any road up, you’re all busy people so I’ll sum up in a cakey way: Samsung have come up with a fancy looking cupcake, when what they should have done is knock up a belting Victoria Sponge.

Had I the influence, I would pen this:

Memo to Mr Shin: Despite your splendid Bond villain name, I am not convinced. Please just make me a more tappy phone that can spell chocolate and flash a small light when there’s a new message. 

If you insist on getting all fancy pants, well make my phone tell me if there’s milk in the fridge at home when I’m in the supermarket. 

If you really want to give me a richer, simpler, more full life, please make me a jet pack. 

Furthermore, bonsai animals would be preferable as possible lifetime companions, or – and you could seriously clean up with this one – clone David Beckham and supply him with a range of holographic pants.

And there ends our journey into the new Samsung phone. I like to think we’re all a bit further on.

It only remains for me to thank you for reading and to my esteemed host, Jon Silk, for accepting this challenge. Sadly, I doubt this will EVER be allowed to happen again but I’ve had a top time.

We will now de-blog so please make sure you take all your belongings with you.

All change please.